/. Perseverance :: Im not giving up.

The things I notice if I just look up.

Hi, my name is Justine, I used to drink a lot and then I stopped drinking... two years ago, and now I am addicted to looking down... at my phone.

Right now, at my desk upstairs in front of a grand picture window, and I look up and see the beautiful almost full moon shining brightly between the parted clouds of the night sky. The clouds are currently drifting behind the moon, I love watching things of nature, drift. Whether its these clouds, blades of grass, or even a school of fish in a Disney Pixstar movie; but, my most favorite imagery of all are the birds. Watching them drift from one tree to another or a flock of geese rising together out from a lake. Ask my husband, I can not get enough of watching birds, drift.

So, our youngest son has tested positive for covid. He started with a very ow grade fever, in the beginning of last week, so we had him stay home the whole week prior to getting tested, yesterday. Thankfully, he's feeling much better, except for the bedtime cough; you know, that bed time cough that most mothers know all too well. So I sat with him rubbing vix vapor rub on his chest, neck and top of his back, humming a tune that I hadn't hummed in a while but a familiar song I used to sing for him countless nights, years before. As the words came to mind tears started to well up under my closed eyelids. I remember when I made up this song for my boys. We were at my grandma's sort of "borrowing" her home while she was in Florida. She and my grandpa are from Michigan, but are "Florida Snow-birds", well my grandpas has sense passed and now it's just her. Every year she threatens that it will be her "last trip", but the next year comes and she goes again... "just one more year", she tells us, but I know she loves her life down there; however, she would never move from her Michigan roots.

Anyway, I digress. So, me and the boys were living at my Grandmother's house, while my husband, their dad, was away, in another state, training to be a medical recruiter for the Army. Ryan, our youngest was 3 and our oldest, Gage was 4. I remember tucking them into a cozy air mattress that they shared during the 9 months we lived there. And I can still see their sweet chubby faces and Gage's wide blue inquisitive eyes while he'd ask me to tell him what each individual word of The Lord's prayer meant as we tried to recite it each night. I can see Ryan doing summer-salts and jumping and laughing, because every time he plopped down Gage would then jump up, and of course yell at his baby brother for disturbing our deep and insightful conversation about God and our shared faith. Ryan has always been interested in bringing people together, and getting people to laugh; while, Gage has always been interested in words. Both of them loved our song and as soon as I started to hum our tune they'd both begin to settle. Just as Ryan did tonight.

Goodnight and sweet dreams, you are wonderful and confident; your incredible and smart so good night my sweetheart. Goodnight and sweet dreams, you mean the world to me, goodnight and sweet dreams, this will end our melody.

Lord, continue to be with my babies, all the days of their lives. Please help me to love them, lead them and when it is time to do so, find me the courage to let them go. Please heal Ryan in this state of illness that has robbed so many, and not specifically any certain kind of people just people in general.

In all honestly, in my option, this illness is nothing more then a big inconvenience.

From one perspective (and these are my perspectives alone), I can see this virus as a a stealer of life, and a stealer of time. A thief of loved ones, both the old, the young and the in between. From another perspective, I see this virus as a giver. A giver of lost time being away at work and school, and now new quality times are being spent with my family. This afternoon Ryan and I made homemade choclate chip cookies together. I see individuals grieving the loss; and at the same time, I see them investing back into theirselves. I see them and gift themselves an unconditional love that they would have never dared to do within their past life. But now seeing first hand just how fragile our lives are and how we are only promised the present moment... we are seizing the moments and cheerishing each one as if it were our last. I am seeing and experiencing first hand of what Jame's talks about in James 1:2-4 (NLT),

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind comes your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow. For when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

I ask in Jesus name to end this suffering from this home, this town, this city, this state, this country, other countries and the whole wide world. Lord, you know the reason and I have faith beyond measure to know that your will, will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. And I believe, what ever your will, it will be done for the goodness of your people, and I am happy that your people includes me.

Thank you for all the things and opportunities you have continued to open up in my life and that of my family Lord, thank you for the opportunity to know and grow closer to you everyday. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

I will not give up.

I will keep on writing for the sake of writing. It makes me feel good and brings me joy. And

sharing my words with others helps rid my fear of releasing my memoir that for the past 3 years has been a continued labor of love.

This year as I juggle finishing my Bachelors degree in Psychology, teaching Yoga, homework, studying, and spending time with family and friends. I will work it all out on this platform. You will get to know me here and maybe if I am lucky I will get to know you too. However, I am always reminding myself that I cannot be everything for everyone, but I can be something for someone, so I write for them; that one person, and me.

ps. I am so glad I noticed that moon in all it's glory when I first sat down... because now is gone and the sky is dark.

Goodnight Sweet heart.

-Love Justine